Potterisms

Some suggestions on how to salvage the eventual quagmire that is Harry Potter and that Seventh Book in the Series.

LAME:

Upon the death of Albus Dumbledore, Harry goes around the world trying to thwart the evil reign of Lord Voldemort, Sword of Shannara-style, eventually meeting up with the Dark Lord and possibly Snape, who then fights a duel to the death with both. Based on prophecy made in Book Five or so (the one which says “Only one person allowed per existence” or something of the sort), possible outcomes include Harry winning and Voldemort dying, Harry dying and Voldemort ruling a Nazi-style extermination camp in Britain, only to be thwarted by Harry’s son! Gasp! (Very unlikely, but I didn't need to tell you that, did I?), or Harry dying in such a fashion that he manages to seal Voldemort in some tomb for all eternity. Still alive, mind you, since Voldemort IS supposed to be invulnerable, after all. Probable occurrences include some people dying, Snape topping the list. Albus Dumbledore makes his presence felt, either in that of a benign ghost, a part of Harry’s frequent-flyer dreams, or maybe Fawkes grows a human head complete with half-moon spectacles. Ron sees Hermione die, or maybe Ron dies to save Harry, either scenario causing the distraught lover left behind to do serious damage to one of the main antagonists, screaming “ THIS IS FOR (insert name), YOU (insert British-style expletive)!!!!!” and maybe dying in the process as well. Harry learns yet another thing about his parents, maybe from Snape. Sirius Black makes a comeback and plays an important role in the destruction of one of the Horcruxes, presumably in ectoplasmic format.

CLICHÉ:

Dumbledore does not die, as it turns out, and appears in little snippets throughout the book as a mysterious masked man, offering help to Harry whenever Harry lands himself in the evil clutches of the Dark Lordlings. Snape either appears as the accomplice to Dumbledore’s faked death, or screwed up the assassination attempt big time, which means that he will eventually die, either at the hands of an enraged Voldemort, or Dumbledore himself. Except Dumbledore never kills anyone. Perhaps by accident. Oh well. Eventually the school is reopened, and no one seems to remember the huge white tomb that disappeared one Sunday morning.

OKAY:

Dumbledore is alive!!! Again!!! (Forgive me. I have a predilection to support lesser characters that purportedly possess near-omnipresent powers), this time with a twist: Dumbledore reveals that Snape was one of the Horcruxes, and Snape, being Dumbledore’s man through and through, sacrifices himself by switching places with Dumbledore in the final chapter of book Six, with the aid of the Polyjuice Potion. In other words, Dumbledore killed Snape, not the other way around, the switch being necessary to fool The Unnamed One and company. J.K Rowling, acting through a series of questions Harry poses to Dumbledore during this revelation, manages to neatly tie up all the loose ends in Book Six: Snape was the ultimate secret agent. Upon making the vow that he would help Draco Malfoy accomplish his deed (see Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), Snape actually phrased the vow to mean that he would destroy all that Dumbledore represented, ie. Father figure, headmaster of Hogwarts, great and good wizard, a life that Dumbledore can never return to, since the blood of one of his staff is on his hands, be it for the Greater Good. Snape never really got friendly with Harry, or his parents, to keep up the pretence that he desired a return of Voldemort. Possible deaths include Dumbledore (his tainted past will make him unpopular with future students) and Harry (No idea why, but I relish the idea of Harry dying)

Alternative: Snape reveals to Harry that Dumbledore was a Horcrux, having been made so after suffering a terrible curse in an attempt to destroy one of the original Horcruxes. Dumbledore entrusted Snape with the job of killing him because he knew that everyone else, Harry included, would never understand why he had to die.

BEST:

J.K. Rowling has a breakdown and admits that she can’t finish the book – the plot was too entangled for her to continue effectively. She then entrusts the ultimate finishing of the series to one of the following authors:

Diana Wynne Jones: Her writing style closely matches that of Rowling’s. She’s fun, occasionally though-provoking, and uses little, if ever, expletives. Expect the story to be well-written, with a satisfying finale. The only drawback is that the reader will likely remain in a fog of confusion throughout the entire book, only to discover the answers to all unspoken questions in the final chapter.

Neil Gaiman: Plot will be dark, sinful, and full of juicy bits. Perfect, only he’s a little too matured for kids. Children, unfortunately, often require every little detail to be explained – something Jones and Rowling do pretty well, but not so for Gaiman. A pity.

Terry Pratchet: If only he could remember to inject serious scenes from time to time. The juvenile equivalent of Gaiman. The book would be a fruitcake compared to all the other books in the series, providing a light-hearted, often sarcastic storyline, possibly culminating in

TIME TO GO NOW, TOM.

Raymond E. Feist – The Hogwarts team prepare for a siege against the amassed legions of Voldemort, whereas Harry, Ron and Hermione embark on that journey to kill the Horcruxes. Eventually, Harry will come back to save the Hogwarts team, probably riding on a dragon. Political factions arise within the forces of good, between the four great houses, as members from each house try to outmanouver the others to clinch the prime spot for fighting - the frontline, despite going against basic human instinct. Any new characters introduced into the text will have names almost similar to conventional names, but not quite.

Stephen King – Even adults will be scared to death at the description of Voldemort. It is possible that Voldemort is somehow transmogrified into a clown, or becomes extremely vague, description-wise, yet manages to convey a creeping sense of do not read in the dark. The plot will be long, rambling, with millions of tiny detours, in which the main characters swear at each other and discover childhood fears manifest in the most gruesome form possible.

Tom Clancy – the only surviving author who can match the thickness of Rowling’s books.

Edit: Due to oh-so-popular demand, here's one more:

Terry Brooks – Elves! Trolls! Cloaked beings! No shortage of variety there. Paricularly in the cloaked being section. Expect one all-powerful guy who seems to know everything and does not let in on the eventual plan, only till he gets killed in the end. Oh, and lots of blue fire.